As the years go by, and my faith in Christ grows stronger, I've come to realize something...there are no mistakes. It was not a mistake that I found that article a few weeks before Camden was born. It was not a mistake that I saw Camden's Down Syndrome before anyone else. And, it was NOT a mistake that God gave us this sweet angel of a baby with Down Syndrome. I truly believe that. There are times, when I look at him and think, if I could give him a pill that would "cure" his Down Syndrome, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't change him. It's hard to imagine that unless you have a child with special needs. I'm sure there are so many people (myself included) that hope/had hoped they do not have to walk this same journey. But, for better or for worse, this is the one God has chosen for me. Although I have faith in Him and I've put this in His hands, I do wonder...will he ever be able to do certain things, like Algebra or play football? Will he get married? Will he live with us the rest of his life? There are so many unknowns with any child, but these are the things I wonder about with Camden. I know there are things that he will do that we don't know yet, but I can't help but think that there are some things that he will never do...like have children. So many things that you don't think about when your baby is only 7 and 1/2 months old, but I feel like these things have already been written in his story. But, so many things are yet to be written! I cry right now as I think about this piece of my heart that I never knew was missing...until he was born. And as I watch Camden and Carter interact more and play together, my heart is so happy because I have been given such an amazing gift. I get to have these little people in my life and watch them learn and grow and smile and laugh. I image that this must be how God feels when he watches over us, His children. I am so grateful for God's presence in our lives. He has made us a stronger family and I pray that He continues to strengthen us as our children get older and our trials become more difficult.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop time for a little while and keep things as they are. I want my babies to stay little as long as possible. Every day they're a little bigger, a little smarter and I realize I will never get this time back again. So, for now I will enjoy my boys and try to take in every little moment (except maybe the tantrums ;)) I will try not to worry about tomorrow, but live for today because tomorrow, they'll be a little more grown up :)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
7 months ago...
As I write this, I am in a very different place than I was 7 months ago. Camden is 7 months old today, and his birth changed our lives in so many ways. Some, that we never would have guessed or imagined. A few weeks before he was born, I came across an article in Parents magazine. I think I had this magazine for at least a month or so, but I decided to glance through it one day while Carter was napping. So, this article was about a family who had a little boy (2 or 3 years old I believe) and just had their second child. This child (a little girl) had been unexpectantly born with Down's Syndrome. I read about how the family had coped with this surprise in their life and how their family had changed because of it. When I finished the article, a thought flashed across my mind..."I hope he doesn't have Down Syndrome.." This is something that I had never thought about with either of my pregnancies, not even something I worried about even just a little bit...until now. I'm not a worrier. I believe that God will keep my baby healthy and that everything will be ok. So, I was taken aback when I suddenly had this thought, this worry. But, not wanting to create an undue stress, I put it out of my mind.
A few weeks later, I was in labor with Camden. I had a great pregnancy with him, no complications or health concerns, growing well (both of us ;)), and was having him at full term. The labor took a little longer than we thought and my doctor was very close to giving me a c-section. My water had broken at 2:30 a.m., it was now early afternoon, and my dilation had stalled at 6cm. There was also a concern because Cam was not responding well to contractions (with the pitocin) and his heartrate was going down. Thankfully, I finally had him after only two pushes!! I couldn't believe it! I was so excited and relieved! I couldn't wait to finally hold him. I had imagined what he would look like...since Carter had blond hair (like Matt) and brown eyes (like me), maybe Camden would have red hair (like me) and blue eyes (like Matt). The first thing the nurses said was "Look at that red hair!!" I was excited. I took my baby in my arms and looked at him for the first time. As I looked at his closed eyes...a thought flashed across my mind..."His eyes look like Down Syndrome". What?!? I must just be tired. His eyes are closed; how can I tell that just from looking at his closed eyes?? No, he's fine. Then the nurses and I both noticed that he wasn't getting much color. He was still blue. So, they took him to the warming table to get a look at him. Shortly after that, Matt's mom and my dad got to the hospital and were anxious to see Camden. He had gotten his newborn pink in his cheeks, so the nurses wrapped him in blankets and gave him back to us. We were taking pictures, passing him around. Everything was good with the world. Then, I tried to nurse him. He wouldn't latch on. With Carter I didn't even have to try, it just happened. "Every baby is different", I thought. "He was just born, he'll get there." Shortly after I finished lunch, one of the nurses said that the pediatrician was coming to see Camden. I didn't think anything of it really. I thought it was a bit early for him to see him already, but I didn't mind. I was happy to have my little Cam and I was feeling pretty good. It never occured to me to ask if something was wrong.
Later, I was moved from Labor and Delivery to another room. The pediatrician had come, so they took Cam so he could look him over. Then, my sweet munchkin was back with me. A friend, who was watching Carter, brought him to the hospital and he was completely oblivious to his new baby brother. He was more interested in running up and down the long hallways and using the bedside remote than anything else :) Then, things start to get a little blurry. I remember my friend took Carter home. And then, Matt and I were alone in the room with the pediatrician and a nurse. He said the nurses saw some things that would lead them to believe Camden has Down's Syndrome. So, they called him to look and see if he saw the same...he did. I told him what I saw in Camden's eyes before, almost like I wasn't surprised by what he was saying. I saw the look on Matt's face and he was in shock. I didn't know what to say. "How could they not have seen it on the ultrasounds?" I asked. In my mind, I was thinking, "It's not true, they just 'think' he has Down's Syndrome. How can someone just say that? How do they know?" The doctor also broke the news to us that since he wasn't eating and his oxygen levels were low, they would have to take him to the nursery...tonight. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just had this precious baby and they were going to take him away from me. All of a sudden I realized, I won't get to hold him in the middle of the night, nurse him, or look at him. Shortly after, my dad and Matt's mom came back into the room. With tears in my eyes, I said "They think he has Down's Syndrome". I explained what the doctor and nurses had told us they saw. Matt and I both broke down after they took him to the nursery.
The time sort of crept by after that. The hours felt like days, as we had to go "visit" Camden in the nursery, and slowly tell our family and friends one by one what the doctors had suspected. One of our biggest blessings through all this were the nurses and doctors. We couldn't have asked for better care for our baby and compassion from them. They truly cared for Camden and our family and it made the experience a lot easier. Two nurses in particular, one who cared for Camden in the nursery cried and prayed with me, and listened as I confessed "I just want them to come back and tell me it's not true!" The other nurse, had gone through the EXACT same situation as us. She had a 3 year old daughter, was 28 years old and pregnant with their second girl, who was also unexpectantly born with Down Syndrome. Twenty eight years old, no family history. I was so thankful to be able to talk to her because she knew exactly what I was going through. She and I both agreed that the one thing we didn't want people to ever say to us, of all things, was "I'm sorry", because I'm not sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about. This is my baby, I loved him and whatever happened, we would work through it.
The hardest part came when I had to leave the hospital without my baby. That's something I don't wish on any mother. It's like leaving a piece of you behind. Because his oxygen levels were still low, and he wasn't eating well he now required oxygen and a feeding tube. Once he was eating well enough and was weaned off the oxygen, he could come home.
For the next 11 days, I was waking myself up every three hours to pump so that Camden could have some of my milk and to get my supply up. We were at the hospital every chance we could get there. It was difficult to balance spending time with Carter, pumping, and going to the hospital to visit Camden. But, thanks to our families, we made it work :) On the 12th day, we got to bring him home! My mom and sister decorated the house with balloons and a sign, just as if he hadn't been in the hospital for 12 days. It was so amazing for many reasons, but one in particular. As we were holding him in the living room, the sunlight beamed in through the windows so brightly. It caught Camden's attention and he looked up. I realized this was the first time in his little life that he had seen the sunlight! Oh, the things we take for granted...the sunshine :)
Now, here we are 7 months later and he is such a blessing and joy in our lives! We are so thankful that he doesn't have any major health concerns (which is very common in babies with Down's). He is truly a gift from God. Matt and I both agreed early on that there was a reason God gave us this baby. I feel that God has and will continue to speak to us through him. He has trusted us with this little person and we just love him to pieces! We know there is a plan for us. At times, it's hard to see that but we are faithful that the good Lord will guide us as we walk this journey.
A few weeks later, I was in labor with Camden. I had a great pregnancy with him, no complications or health concerns, growing well (both of us ;)), and was having him at full term. The labor took a little longer than we thought and my doctor was very close to giving me a c-section. My water had broken at 2:30 a.m., it was now early afternoon, and my dilation had stalled at 6cm. There was also a concern because Cam was not responding well to contractions (with the pitocin) and his heartrate was going down. Thankfully, I finally had him after only two pushes!! I couldn't believe it! I was so excited and relieved! I couldn't wait to finally hold him. I had imagined what he would look like...since Carter had blond hair (like Matt) and brown eyes (like me), maybe Camden would have red hair (like me) and blue eyes (like Matt). The first thing the nurses said was "Look at that red hair!!" I was excited. I took my baby in my arms and looked at him for the first time. As I looked at his closed eyes...a thought flashed across my mind..."His eyes look like Down Syndrome". What?!? I must just be tired. His eyes are closed; how can I tell that just from looking at his closed eyes?? No, he's fine. Then the nurses and I both noticed that he wasn't getting much color. He was still blue. So, they took him to the warming table to get a look at him. Shortly after that, Matt's mom and my dad got to the hospital and were anxious to see Camden. He had gotten his newborn pink in his cheeks, so the nurses wrapped him in blankets and gave him back to us. We were taking pictures, passing him around. Everything was good with the world. Then, I tried to nurse him. He wouldn't latch on. With Carter I didn't even have to try, it just happened. "Every baby is different", I thought. "He was just born, he'll get there." Shortly after I finished lunch, one of the nurses said that the pediatrician was coming to see Camden. I didn't think anything of it really. I thought it was a bit early for him to see him already, but I didn't mind. I was happy to have my little Cam and I was feeling pretty good. It never occured to me to ask if something was wrong.
Later, I was moved from Labor and Delivery to another room. The pediatrician had come, so they took Cam so he could look him over. Then, my sweet munchkin was back with me. A friend, who was watching Carter, brought him to the hospital and he was completely oblivious to his new baby brother. He was more interested in running up and down the long hallways and using the bedside remote than anything else :) Then, things start to get a little blurry. I remember my friend took Carter home. And then, Matt and I were alone in the room with the pediatrician and a nurse. He said the nurses saw some things that would lead them to believe Camden has Down's Syndrome. So, they called him to look and see if he saw the same...he did. I told him what I saw in Camden's eyes before, almost like I wasn't surprised by what he was saying. I saw the look on Matt's face and he was in shock. I didn't know what to say. "How could they not have seen it on the ultrasounds?" I asked. In my mind, I was thinking, "It's not true, they just 'think' he has Down's Syndrome. How can someone just say that? How do they know?" The doctor also broke the news to us that since he wasn't eating and his oxygen levels were low, they would have to take him to the nursery...tonight. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just had this precious baby and they were going to take him away from me. All of a sudden I realized, I won't get to hold him in the middle of the night, nurse him, or look at him. Shortly after, my dad and Matt's mom came back into the room. With tears in my eyes, I said "They think he has Down's Syndrome". I explained what the doctor and nurses had told us they saw. Matt and I both broke down after they took him to the nursery.
The time sort of crept by after that. The hours felt like days, as we had to go "visit" Camden in the nursery, and slowly tell our family and friends one by one what the doctors had suspected. One of our biggest blessings through all this were the nurses and doctors. We couldn't have asked for better care for our baby and compassion from them. They truly cared for Camden and our family and it made the experience a lot easier. Two nurses in particular, one who cared for Camden in the nursery cried and prayed with me, and listened as I confessed "I just want them to come back and tell me it's not true!" The other nurse, had gone through the EXACT same situation as us. She had a 3 year old daughter, was 28 years old and pregnant with their second girl, who was also unexpectantly born with Down Syndrome. Twenty eight years old, no family history. I was so thankful to be able to talk to her because she knew exactly what I was going through. She and I both agreed that the one thing we didn't want people to ever say to us, of all things, was "I'm sorry", because I'm not sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about. This is my baby, I loved him and whatever happened, we would work through it.
The hardest part came when I had to leave the hospital without my baby. That's something I don't wish on any mother. It's like leaving a piece of you behind. Because his oxygen levels were still low, and he wasn't eating well he now required oxygen and a feeding tube. Once he was eating well enough and was weaned off the oxygen, he could come home.
For the next 11 days, I was waking myself up every three hours to pump so that Camden could have some of my milk and to get my supply up. We were at the hospital every chance we could get there. It was difficult to balance spending time with Carter, pumping, and going to the hospital to visit Camden. But, thanks to our families, we made it work :) On the 12th day, we got to bring him home! My mom and sister decorated the house with balloons and a sign, just as if he hadn't been in the hospital for 12 days. It was so amazing for many reasons, but one in particular. As we were holding him in the living room, the sunlight beamed in through the windows so brightly. It caught Camden's attention and he looked up. I realized this was the first time in his little life that he had seen the sunlight! Oh, the things we take for granted...the sunshine :)
Now, here we are 7 months later and he is such a blessing and joy in our lives! We are so thankful that he doesn't have any major health concerns (which is very common in babies with Down's). He is truly a gift from God. Matt and I both agreed early on that there was a reason God gave us this baby. I feel that God has and will continue to speak to us through him. He has trusted us with this little person and we just love him to pieces! We know there is a plan for us. At times, it's hard to see that but we are faithful that the good Lord will guide us as we walk this journey.
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